Hood Job Shadows in Maui

Jon Hood suits up in Maui for his job shadowing day with "Dog the Bounty Hunter."

Jon Hood suits up in Maui to job shadow "Dog the Bounty Hunter."

MAUI — If Jon Hood had any doubts about pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice, they were put to rest yesterday in Hawaii.

The Cat’s sophomore forward cites one passion he has held above all else, even basketball, since the days of Cowboys and Indians in the wilds of Madisonville: the Hunt of Bounty.

With the help of his academic advisor and friend of the program William Wesley, Mr. Hood was able to get within striking distance of making his dream a reality when the Adolph Rupp of bounty hunting, Duane “Dog” Chapman, invited him to job shadow yesterday.

“It was awesome,” said Mr. Hood.

Mr. Hood, who intends to become a part-time bounty hunter even if he makes an NBA roster, manhunted next to Dog for a grueling twelve hour shift yesterday in a special uniform designed by Nike for the occasion.

When Mr. Hood arrived at 7 a.m., the extra mace and cuffs waiting for for him in Chapman Family’s SUV/Rolling Death Machine. Both Mr. Dog and Mr. Hood were tight-lipped about any spoilers.

But, Dog wryly suggested that if Hood’s three-point proficiency were anything near his ability to “wing an iced-out haole on a dead sprint,” he’d be an “sure-fire All-American” this year.

Not many basketball may fans realize it, but Hood is not only a sharp shooter on the court for Kentucky, he’s also a rising star on the university’s beloved rifle team, “The Deadly Cats.”

At yesterday’s shoot-around press conference, Mr. Hood said he was impressed with Mr. Dog’s ability to take down the bad guys, and do it with the ones he loved.

“It shows me that when you combine doing what you love with those you care about, anything is possible. It’s just what Coach Cal is always saying about us bonding as brothers and achieving our dreams together.”

As for the new skills during his first stint at hot justice, Mr. Hood says he is hoping to apply them during the season.

“Louisville game. If Scratch were to mace and arrest Steve Masiello at midcourt during tip-off and rip his head off to reveal himself, that guy would have to be awarded the ‘K-Y Triple on the spot.’” Hood said.

“Kentucky Colonel, Duke of Hazard, and Major of Madisonville, probably at a combined ceremony. From there I plan on working my way through ‘til I’m governor and can really clean up the state.”

At this point in the press conference, the national media attempted to shout questions to assay extent of Hood’s hubris, but they were all drowned out by the hoots and applause of a man standing on a folding chair.

That man was later identified as the Commonwealth of Kentucky’s Commissioner of Agriculture.

Fans will be able to see all the action with guest star Jon Hood on this season’s premiere of Dog’s show on A&E and purchase his uniform on the UK Athletics website.

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Harrellson Encounter Sparks Dodson’s Departure

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LEXINGTON, Ky — Kentucky could be losing nine players this Spring and many fans are concerned that some could be leaving for what they assume to be the wrong reasons.  For Darnell Dodson, one pivotal encounter with a teammate was the only reason he needed.

In big time college basketball programs the players are afforded every conceivable perk allowed by the NCAA.  Unfortunately for some of the more fun-loving players, downtime isn’t one of them.

Josh Harrellson witnessed first hand how serious a little extra down-time could be when he witnessed Dusty Mill’s expulsion from the team in 2007.   Billy Gillispie sent Mills back to Indiana on the turnip truck when he thought he overheard some bad mouthing of Buck Owens during a game.

(Ed note: To this day Mills claims he was merely joking about the “overrating” the Milwaukee Bucks on NBA Live but admits it was “not the right time to do so.”  For his part, Gillispie’s claims to have no knowledge of the years 2003-2009, “among other times and matters of dates and such”.)

After the firing of Gillispie, Harrellson was thrilled with the hire of John Calipari. He knew the coach’s reputation as a “player’s coach” with  ”work hard, play hard” and “team as family” philosophies. As the team’s resident practical joke artist and best “locker room guy,”  Harrellson relished the opportunity to “play hard” and in the end, for better or worse he did just that.

With the slim odds of an NBA contract, Harrellson had more downtime than other players who were putting in extra practice in hopes of becoming a lottery picks.  The 6′-10″ senior took it up on himself to act as what he dubbed the “Lodge’s Liaison of Leisure,” and even made up a sign saying so to hang on his door.   He organized the Madden tournaments, ordered the stacks of Mad Mushroom, and kept the players up on the college basketball chatter about the team on Twitter and the message boards.  He was also the first to discover Chatroulette and introduce it to the rest of the team.

“We thought it was pretty good, funny stuff,” said Freshman guard Eric Bledsoe. “But Josh thought it was real funny – like real real funny.  He was always off watching it, and we just let him do his thing.”  Eventually there were less ad-hoc ping-pong brackets on the dry erase boards and more novelty costumes on the laundry room floor.

Harrellson’s roommate, Perry Stevenson assuaged the fears of Josh’ motivations by assuring that it was, “Just clowning around – no sex or gay stuff.” He summed up Harrellson’s webcamming of strangers by saying, “He’s a goofball, that’s just what he does.”  As the season progressed, Harrellson’s teammates spent more of their downtime in the gym as their draft stock rose. Josh Harrellson’s was left with more downtime, which he spent, “just looking for someone to clown on,” Stevenson said.

Last week, as Kentucky’s Elite Eight loss to West Virginia was embroiling the fans in a state of disbelief and sadness, and it was no different for its players. They had been working together for months, day in and day out, for a goal that was now unattainable and they had all the downtime they could imagine to think about it.

Some players went back to the gym to prepare for the draft, some spent time with girlfriends or family members, and a couple decided to surf the web.  On a lark, to take his mind off the big loss and lingering pressures to play professionally, Darnell Dodson clicked on the bookmark that his goofball teammate had placed in his browser months ago.

It opened Chatroulette and against all odds, it matched him with a recognizable face.  It was his teammate, from down the hall, and in the video frame he was wearing nothing but a hard hat and a smile.  From that moment on, Dodson decided that maybe college wasn’t for him anymore and he should think about moving on his to career in basketball.

A few minutes later, Stevenson convinced him to stop shrieking and Harrellson offered to let Dodson wear the Richard Nixon mask and participate in that night’s session.  Dodson confusedly and politely declined.

As of press time, Dodson is still undecided on future.  He claims that the vision of his teammate’s character, whom is dubbed “Hard Hat Harrellson” by Stevenson and Harrellson, makes it difficult to spend time in the Wildcat Lodge without night terrors.

Harrellson seems unphased by the incident and spent the rest of the night of “the incident” break dancing on flattened Mad Mushroom boxes as his character “Poppin-Papa-Nixon.”

With even fewer teammates to entertain as some leave for pre-draft conditioning, he has been on a self-proclaimed binge as the “glue guy of Chatroulette,” he said.  Throughout the world, an appreciative audience of various German penises and vehemently racist American middle school children have “made a lottery pick of their own,” said Harrellson. “I can hear the commissioner now:

“With the first pick in the 2010 Chatroulette draft, the Internet picks  a 6′-10″ Shirtless Breakdancer from the University of Kentucky, ‘Jive-Alive Fifty-Five.’”

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Kentucky Fan Burns DVD Collection After Spotting Sandler in UofL Shirt

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Rose’s Brother Stows Away Repeatedly, Voids Calipari Final Four Season

Rose’s Brother Stows Away Repeatedly, Voids Calipari Final Four Season
For most, traveling by chartered plane is a luxury, for some it is routine, and for fewer still it is an obsession.  For the Memphis Tigers’ 2008 breakout point guard’s brother, Reggie, it was the latter.  Unfortunately for John Calipari and UM, as far as the NCAA is concerned, that excuse doesn’t fly when it comes to violations.

For most, traveling by chartered plane is a luxury, for some it is routine, and for fewer still it is an obsession.  For the Memphis Tigers’ 2008 breakout point guard’s brother, Reggie, it was the latter.  Unfortunately for John Calipari and UM, as far as the NCAA is concerned, that excuse doesn’t fly when it comes to violations.

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Wall’s Mixtape Spreads, KY GDP Tanks


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When Kentucky’s first year coach John Calipari landed this year’s top recruit it was lauded by fans as the start of a dream come true  Now, before so much as a scrimmage has been played, it has plunged most of the state’s economy into an ever worsening nightmare.

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Letter to the Editor, Is Wildcat Today Racist?

Some questions have been raised about racist undertones in our Rumble At The River article and it’s important to provide an explanation to try and quell these sentiments for everyone whom holds them.

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Sypher’s Story Funded By Wealthy UK Backers?

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August 13, Louisville – UofL basketball coach Rick Pitino is fending off a media firestorm and most of the public is caught up in the he said, she said of his Italian Sextaurant Scandal.  Fortunately, one supremely dedicated Cardinal fan has risen above the din of morality questions and titillating details and to ask what no one else has.
“Why is Karen Sypher airing her dirty laundry?”
The morning after the scandal broke, local real estate agent and Louisville alum Paul Keegan found himself agonizing over the reported facts until he couldn’t think straight.  “The more I thought about it, the less it made sense,” Mr. Keegan said.
“I struggled with all those details, police reports, and menstrual time lines just swirling in my mind for hours until I had the epiphany.”
Mr. Keegan explained that, “Deep, deep down, like every Louisville fan,” he “already knew the root” of all of his alma mater’s problems.  But the media’s “highly orchestrated coverage” had once again clouded his judgment just as it had done for the rest of his similarly duped Cardinal brethren.
“It was the wealthy Kentucky backers,” he said while adding “A-gain!” and whistling in frustration.
“The thing of it was, I didn’t piece it together until I saw this big blue [expletive]wad wave to me with that [expletive]-eating grin on his face at lunch.  I knew he was just a typical UK fan the moment I was saw he his blue shirt on “Red-Out for Rick Day.”
“I thought, ‘On a day like this? What an [expletive].’ And then it clicked.”
“Think about it.  She was just looking for a payday this whole time.  First from Rick for the baby, but then baby’s gone and the payday’s gone.  Then with the blackmail, but then Pitino puts on the full FBI press and that’s gone.
“She was up against it at the end, so she went to those wealthy UK backers who gladly paid untold coal and horse fortunes to try and bring our program down,” Mr. Keegan said.  “It’s so simple,” he blankly intoned, “they do this [expletive] all the freakin’ time.”
After meticulously typing and revising his theory on his Blackberry, Mr. Keegan posted it on every message board and social networks he could find.
“I felt I needed to spread the word as soon as possible to get us all away from these crazy discussions and back to the big picture,” he said.
“Once I got it out there, everyone was really psyched that we could once again focus on hating our enemy at the root of it all,” he continued. “And not having to bother ourselves with these lame-ass tabloid articles and deeply personal moral dilemmas was a huge relief for everyone.”
And today in Louisville, where yesterday’s sports talk callers were placing their rosaries in other rooms to get through supportive Pitino pleas, the ship has been righted.
A lone fan inspired by his rivalry rage and search for the truth has returned a fan base its sanity and countless news departments their real assignments.
“Thanks to Mr. Keegan, at this point it’s a completely dead, non-story for us and we won’t be bringing it up anymore,” said one local sportswriter and by extension, one evil, manipulative Athletic Director, who is without a doubt behind everything that goes down in this town.
“I can’t wait for that game in Rupp though.  It should be fun,” he continued “I’ll be doing a booksigning for Cards fans at Joseph Beth, I love that place.”

August 13, Louisville – UofL basketball coach Rick Pitino is fending off a media firestorm and most of the public is caught up in the he said, she said of his Italian Sextaurant Scandal.  Fortunately, one supremely dedicated Cardinal fan has risen above the din of morality questions and titillating details and to ask what no one else has.

“Why is Karen Sypher airing her dirty laundry?”

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Man Feels eRUPPtion Embarrassment Months Before Game Is Actually Played

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Fans To Brave Fabled Post-Apocalyptic Deathtown To Support Cats

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Lexington, August 11 – Scores of Kentuckians will be making their first trip to Ohio as the Cats take on Miami Redhawks in Cincinnati September 5th, and for most of them besides a win, their biggest concern is as one fan put it, “just making it out alive.”

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Brooks Refuses To Discuss Anything But Fishing On Football Media Day

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