Jon Hood suits up in Maui to job shadow "Dog the Bounty Hunter."

MAUI — If Jon Hood had any doubts about pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice, they were put to rest yesterday in Hawaii.

The Cat’s sophomore forward cites one passion he has held above all else, even basketball, since the days of Cowboys and Indians in the wilds of Madisonville: the Hunt of Bounty.

With the help of his academic advisor and friend of the program William Wesley, Mr. Hood was able to get within striking distance of making his dream a reality when the Adolph Rupp of bounty hunting, Duane “Dog” Chapman, invited him to job shadow yesterday.

“It was awesome,” said Mr. Hood.

Mr. Hood, who intends to become a part-time bounty hunter even if he makes an NBA roster, manhunted next to Dog for a grueling twelve hour shift yesterday in a special uniform designed by Nike for the occasion.

When Mr. Hood arrived at 7 a.m., the extra mace and cuffs waiting for for him in Chapman Family’s SUV/Rolling Death Machine. Both Mr. Dog and Mr. Hood were tight-lipped about any spoilers.

But, Dog wryly suggested that if Hood’s three-point proficiency were anything near his ability to “wing an iced-out haole on a dead sprint,” he’d be an “sure-fire All-American” this year.

Not many basketball may fans realize it, but Hood is not only a sharp shooter on the court for Kentucky, he’s also a rising star on the university’s beloved rifle team, “The Deadly Cats.”

At yesterday’s shoot-around press conference, Mr. Hood said he was impressed with Mr. Dog’s ability to take down the bad guys, and do it with the ones he loved.

“It shows me that when you combine doing what you love with those you care about, anything is possible. It’s just what Coach Cal is always saying about us bonding as brothers and achieving our dreams together.”

As for the new skills during his first stint at hot justice, Mr. Hood says he is hoping to apply them during the season.

“Louisville game. If Scratch were to mace and arrest Steve Masiello at midcourt during tip-off and rip his head off to reveal himself, that guy would have to be awarded the ‘K-Y Triple on the spot.’” Hood said.

“Kentucky Colonel, Duke of Hazard, and Major of Madisonville, probably at a combined ceremony. From there I plan on working my way through ‘til I’m governor and can really clean up the state.”

At this point in the press conference, the national media attempted to shout questions to assay extent of Hood’s hubris, but they were all drowned out by the hoots and applause of a man standing on a folding chair.

That man was later identified as the Commonwealth of Kentucky’s Commissioner of Agriculture.

Fans will be able to see all the action with guest star Jon Hood on this season’s premiere of Dog’s show on A&E and purchase his uniform on the UK Athletics website.

LEXINGTON, Ky — Kentucky could be losing nine players this Spring and many fans are concerned that some could be leaving for what they assume to be the wrong reasons.  For Darnell Dodson, one pivotal encounter with a teammate was the only reason he needed.

In big time college basketball programs the players are afforded every conceivable perk allowed by the NCAA.  Unfortunately for some of the more fun-loving players, downtime isn’t one of them.

Josh Harrellson witnessed first hand how serious a little extra down-time could be when he witnessed Dusty Mill’s expulsion from the team in 2007.   Billy Gillispie sent Mills back to Indiana on the turnip truck when he thought he overheard some bad mouthing of Buck Owens during a game.

(Ed note: To this day Mills claims he was merely joking about the “overrating” the Milwaukee Bucks on NBA Live but admits it was “not the right time to do so.”  For his part, Gillispie’s claims to have no knowledge of the years 2003-2009, “among other times and matters of dates and such”.)

After the firing of Gillispie, Harrellson was thrilled with the hire of John Calipari. He knew the coach’s reputation as a “player’s coach” with  ”work hard, play hard” and “team as family” philosophies. As the team’s resident practical joke artist and best “locker room guy,”  Harrellson relished the opportunity to “play hard” and in the end, for better or worse he did just that.

With the slim odds of an NBA contract, Harrellson had more downtime than other players who were putting in extra practice in hopes of becoming a lottery picks.  The 6′-10″ senior took it up on himself to act as what he dubbed the “Lodge’s Liaison of Leisure,” and even made up a sign saying so to hang on his door.   He organized the Madden tournaments, ordered the stacks of Mad Mushroom, and kept the players up on the college basketball chatter about the team on Twitter and the message boards.  He was also the first to discover Chatroulette and introduce it to the rest of the team.

“We thought it was pretty good, funny stuff,” said Freshman guard Eric Bledsoe. “But Josh thought it was real funny – like real real funny.  He was always off watching it, and we just let him do his thing.”  Eventually there were less ad-hoc ping-pong brackets on the dry erase boards and more novelty costumes on the laundry room floor.

Harrellson’s roommate, Perry Stevenson assuaged the fears of Josh’ motivations by assuring that it was, “Just clowning around – no sex or gay stuff.” He summed up Harrellson’s webcamming of strangers by saying, “He’s a goofball, that’s just what he does.”  As the season progressed, Harrellson’s teammates spent more of their downtime in the gym as their draft stock rose. Josh Harrellson’s was left with more downtime, which he spent, “just looking for someone to clown on,” Stevenson said.

Last week, as Kentucky’s Elite Eight loss to West Virginia was embroiling the fans in a state of disbelief and sadness, and it was no different for its players. They had been working together for months, day in and day out, for a goal that was now unattainable and they had all the downtime they could imagine to think about it.

Some players went back to the gym to prepare for the draft, some spent time with girlfriends or family members, and a couple decided to surf the web.  On a lark, to take his mind off the big loss and lingering pressures to play professionally, Darnell Dodson clicked on the bookmark that his goofball teammate had placed in his browser months ago.

It opened Chatroulette and against all odds, it matched him with a recognizable face.  It was his teammate, from down the hall, and in the video frame he was wearing nothing but a hard hat and a smile.  From that moment on, Dodson decided that maybe college wasn’t for him anymore and he should think about moving on his to career in basketball.

A few minutes later, Stevenson convinced him to stop shrieking and Harrellson offered to let Dodson wear the Richard Nixon mask and participate in that night’s session.  Dodson confusedly and politely declined.

As of press time, Dodson is still undecided on future.  He claims that the vision of his teammate’s character, whom is dubbed “Hard Hat Harrellson” by Stevenson and Harrellson, makes it difficult to spend time in the Wildcat Lodge without night terrors.

Harrellson seems unphased by the incident and spent the rest of the night of “the incident” break dancing on flattened Mad Mushroom boxes as his character “Poppin-Papa-Nixon.”

With even fewer teammates to entertain as some leave for pre-draft conditioning, he has been on a self-proclaimed binge as the “glue guy of Chatroulette,” he said.  Throughout the world, an appreciative audience of various German penises and vehemently racist American middle school children have “made a lottery pick of their own,” said Harrellson. “I can hear the commissioner now:

“With the first pick in the 2010 Chatroulette draft, the Internet picks  a 6′-10″ Shirtless Breakdancer from the University of Kentucky, ‘Jive-Alive Fifty-Five.’”

For most, traveling by chartered plane is a luxury, for some it is routine, and for fewer still it is an obsession.  For the Memphis Tigers’ 2008 breakout point guard’s brother, Reggie, it was the latter.  Unfortunately for John Calipari and UM, as far as the NCAA is concerned, that excuse doesn’t fly when it comes to violations.

Reggie Rose is a self described “aviation nut.”  For as long as his mother Brenda Rose could remember, Reggie would always gaze toward the sky in awe whenever a plane passed over their South Side neighborhood on its way to Chicago’s O’Hare Airport.  While in K-6, when asked what he wanted to be when he grew up, Reggie was sure to answer with “Airplane Man” and late “Pilot” when he learned that’s what it was called.

Basketball, and his excellence at it, was the key to many things in Reggie’s life.  Along with his brothers, he helped mold his youngest brother Derrick into the NBA star point guard we know today.  Sadly, stories of fame, it would be the opportunities presented by this hard work that would introduce Reggie to his demons.

From the Elite basketball camps, to the AAU tournaments, to the photoshoots for urban sports and lifestyle magazines, Derrick was needed “on location” throughout the world at an early age.  Being the age of which most would still consider a child, he was always accompanied by an adult whom also had his trip paid in full, on all those airplanes.

Often times this would be Reggie’s role, and these flights would become all the more frequent as Derrick shot up the rankings and headed towards big time college basketball.  By then, Reggie had a needed a regular “flight fix” and made sure to volunteer for as many trips as possible.

By the time Derrick decided to attend the University of Memphis, Reggie was in deep.  From looking down at the ant-sized cars, to requesting the savvy and thirst quenching tomato juice to accompany his gratis bags of tiny pretzels, Reggie couldn’t get enough of flying.  It was around this time, that it was all to be taken away from him, as he was just about to catch the flying dragon.

Reggie only had to wait nine months before he would have an excuse to fly for free alongside his brother again.  But deep inside he knew, and his friends and family feared, that he wouldn’t make it that long.  The first few grounded months were hard for Reggie, but he preserved.

His friends recounted that he would often head to the White Sox game only to find himself at Sears Tower.  From the observation deck he would feel that long since familiar rush for only a second.  He would squint to make the cars seemed ant-sized, but he couldn’t sustain it.  “They only were goliath beetle-sized at best,” he told them.  “My second favorite hobby is coleopterology,” he shrugged.

That’s when he bought the first costume.  At the time, it would cost him only sixty dollars, but later, it would cost the two universities and their athletic departments much more than that.

When Reggie showed up at Derrick’s door just before the team bus left for the airport D-Rose played it off as a gag – The big brother pulling a fast one, coming down to convince Derrick would be flying the plane only to later reveal he’d been Punk’d. Derrick took it all in stride at first of course, to downplay the oddity of his family in front of his new teammates.

When the bus arrived at the airport however, Reggie was somehow no where to be found and Derrick was a little relieved that Coach Cal wouldn’t be reintroduced to his brother.

Later on that flight, a mustachioed man in the jump seat turned around and introduced himself as “Pilot Timothy Raines,” and proceeded to glad hand the entire team and staff.  Derrick addressed him as such, and prayed he wouldn’t have to introduce him as his brother again until the NBA draft was over.

Reggie went through countless costumes (pilot, flight attendant, mechanic, long heavy box, Make-A-Wish kid) and White Sox pseudonyms that season.  He would almost always get a double take from the players, but the coaches always seemed too busy breaking down game film and devoting selflessly long stretches of crucial time to various charity projects to notice.

It is estimated that Reggie Rose spend over $86,000 on costumes and disguises that season.  He spend $3,000, alone, on a knock-off air marshall badge that said “Franklin Thomas” (a psuedonym he used four times that season). It was more than enough to travel to every game on a standard airline, much more than the $2,000 the NCAA is upset about.  But it’s not enough to match the thrill of traveling in a chartered jet and feeling the respect given to be someone who helps it get up there.

Now Reggie Rose travels on private jets whenever he wants, Derrick Rose is in no danger (from the NCAA) of losing out any of his NBA millions, Memphis will have it’s entire 2008 season vacated and Final Four Banner taken down, Calipari will be destroyed by the media and rival fans, and John Wall’s former AAU coach has been given an official job by Kentucky.

Calipari’s learned his lesson from being punished because he couldn’t control Reggie’s actions and has created a new position in an exciting and emerging market for Wall’s former coach, Brian Clifton, and every other handler of his yearly top recruits from now on: Kentucky’s Head Emerging Market Region Basketball Scout: Middle of China.

Oddly enough, Calipari noted that if that position ever actually pays off with a top recruit in China, they’ll be moving it’s base of operations to a new market immediately.

When Kentucky’s first year coach John Calipari landed this year’s top recruit it was lauded by fans as the start of a dream come true  Now, before so much as a scrimmage has been played, it has plunged most of the state’s economy into an ever worsening nightmare.

Witnessing them has been described as “transformative,” “mesmerizing,” and “awe-inspiring.”  If you’ve gotten an email from anyone in Kentucky in the last four months, you’ve already been forced to watch them at least once.  And you have experienced visceral power of the John Wall mixtapes, even if you didn’t want to.

Whether it’s the body control, court awareness, or “just” the crossovers, the showcased basketball feats of 6′4” freshman PG John Wall have been dazzling college basketball fans since the moment they appeared online.

For the final phase of his recruitment, Wall narrowed his choices to the the Memphis, Miami, NC State, Baylor, Kansas, Kentucky, and, as a goodwill gesture, both of the Asshole Schools in his home state of North Carolina.  All of their hardcore fanbases spent the post season enthralled with the mixtapes of the Raleigh phenom.  As his selection was repeatedly postponed, next year’s season lay in the balance, and the view counts only grew.

Only now are officials realizing, that for UK’s fanbase, they grew far too much and spread far too wide for our own good.

Lunch hour in downtown Louisville – The city streets are typically a backdrop for bustling street traffic and vapid ladies filming third tier cable reality TV shows.  As of Monday however, the only activity to be seen was the only thing most here have seen for weeks.  The streets were full of basketballs, being dribbled by or rolling away from adults and children, of all persuasions, everywhere.

Beyond the jarring vista of tens of thousands dribbling, attempting to dribble, and mostly tripping over basketballs on every hard surface in the Commonwealth, apparently the sound is also arresting.  According to out-of-towners,  the din of hot rubber and synthetic leather bounces punctuated by occasional screams from ankle twists and knee ligament pops are, in their words “disgusting and unbearable.”

In the North, residents of Cincinnati actually thought constant, fluctuating noise was that of a new Kentucky-specific brood of cicadas.  “We sent our best entomologists over there to check things out,” said Suzy Einhaber, Head of the Cincinnati Zoo Botanical Garden’s Etymology Department.

“Then I pulled out my safari costume, red bug eye glasses and cute fuzzy antenna headband, just in case I had to work the local morning news circuit that evening.” she told us.

“But we quickly realized it was just all those basketballs bouncing… and the screams of course,” she continued. “Oh God, those horrible screams,” she whispered as she wiped a tear from the inside of her clearly overused novelty insect sunglasses.

“That’s why I rushed the team over there so fast.  We thought it might some type of super cicada that stung real bad. But it wasn’t, so that’s good.”

No, it was not “some type of super cicada” but it wasn’t good and for Kentucky economy, it had indeed “stung real bad.”

Normally “blue and white” is a jovial moniker for the Wildcats.  But now it was routinely being used as a harrowing descriptor of the totality of the workforce missing days in the Bluegrass.  All type of workers were skipping out to “get some dribs in,” with collars both “blue and white.”

“At first I just really was like, wow this guy is really good,” said one man middle-aged man we spoke to in Hardin County.  “But then, I was like wait, how is he that good?” He paused and then genuinely asked again, “How is he that good?”

At this point in the interview, he became agitated with our refusal to watch the “just one” mixtape on his smartphone.  For the next several minutes he repeatedly told us he was going to be “crossing us over” into watching it and then failed to do so.

He implemented what, to him, was a deceptive sleight of hand and shoved his sweaty phone screen in our face.  He shamelessly did this for at least fifteen minutes, all without breaking intense eye contact,  before he eventually tripped over himself and broke the phone.

He continued, “There’s this one time, he does this thing and the defender passes in front of him, so you can’t tell what’s happening.  But then I watched it enough that I don’t believe I could tell what he did if he was out there by himself and it was in, like Mythbusters-type slow-mo. He’s so good.  It’s the sickest!”

Later we learned that this man ran a formerly successful regional bank.  Now his wife is burning their furniture nightly to boil their pool water and wash his ace bandages and wraps.  As of press time, the bank exists in name only.

The earliest affects of this phenomenon merely left economists puzzled as Kentucky’s unemployment rate rose more than national trends and norms indicated it should have.  But by late July the state GDP had dropped to less than 12% of the previous years’ and the Governor (actually a Vandy Alum Governor’s aide) finally declared a state of emergency and desperately tried to enact plans to create new jobs.

But, by that time it was too late.  As everyone in Kentucky already knew, it wasn’t the jobs that left the people. Even in this time of already economic uncertainty, it was the people that left the jobs, in droves.

Some stilled believe there is hope to be found and it that it will start with finding the root of the problem.  A precious few doctors, not the ones who’ve been spotted playing Nerf-Hoop 21 and blaring instrumental anthems in what was formerly Central Baptist’s ICU, certainly hoped so at least.

Luckily, as all indicators pointed to most of Kentucky’s medical personnel swept in a surge of the epidemic by mid-August, some doctors and public health officials had the foresight to escape to Evansville to continue working on the problem. Last night, they think they made a breakthrough.

As of 2:45AM, they were announcing their theory on dribblehelpky.gov.

“When the transformative experience of witnessing these moves mixes with the delusional sense of sticktoitiveness, brazen devotion, and desperate lack of significant success of Kentucky fans something’s got to give.  In this case, it was everything in their lives that didn’t involving living out the excitement of their newfound hope.  For this particular season, that hope is best embodied by John Wall and his all of his “sick” moves.” they claimed on the homepage.

Unfortunately, like all great tragedies Kentucky’s fans were brought down what was once thought to surely be their greatest asset.

The explanation continued, “After years of relative mediocrity, the fans had too much ill will built up inside and had lost the most of their fun of college basketball, to them: dominating all of it.  The more they watched the mixtapes, the better they felt about it.  Eventually it reached a point for everyone where they couldn’t help but be inspired to do it themselves and then they couldn’t stop.”

“The most extreme cases have been reported Benton, KY.  At this stage of development, the fans reached a level of questioning the execution of the moves as  humanly possible.  After a pondering this for a few days, they would inevitably question Wall’s existence as a mortal human.  We do have the foundations for what has been called a church, but it is no way a church.  For that size congregation, it would actually be technically considered a cult.”

Thankfully, John Wall and Coach Cal have been secretly working with media outlets and the state government since Monday.  They will be collaborating to stage a demonstration of all of John’s mysterious techniques and there is no fear of “giving away secrets” since there is only one man in the world able to pull them off, and Kentucky already has him.

They believe this will over-indulge the masses and thereby satiate them until at least Big Blue Madness.

It is estimated that by Tuesday of next week, everyone will be able to pick up where they left off.  State officials are confident they will be able to prepare for this situation if it were ever to arise again.

At his press conference this afternoon Coach Calipari was quick to calm everyone down, and tactfully tried to shift the focus of John Wall as soon as possible in hopes of alleviating the problem.

“John is a very special player,” he said, “so I don’t think we’ll have to worry about at situation this again for a while.  Hey speaking of special players though,” he continued, “you guys should have seen Brandon, Knight, at the Elite camps last months. Oh. My. Goodness.”

He concluded, “That kid is going to be very special and he’s already so smooth, I’ve got some very special free videos of him on my website, CoachCal.com.  You guys should definitely check him out over there. It’s crazy!”

On Friday, this comment was posted to “Fans Brave Post Apocalyptic Deathtown to Support Cats”:

Please be aware that this article can easily be considered to have racist undertones.  And too, I have worked downtown for years and, while I get the humor, it seems inappropriate…like you live a very sheltered whitebread life.  Get out and explore the world and you will see how narrow minded this article sounds.

-”John From Cincinnati”

We asked him to point out the racist undertones and explain the joke back to us to make sure we were on the same page, this was his response:

I came from a small town and moved to Cincinnati with fears, preconceived ideas, all of which proved to be unfounded.  So I really enjoyed the satire (of my younger self and others in KY) with fears and stereotypes about big cities.  I love satire and enjoyed the article until things in it led me to go…hmmm…then I felt uncomfortable as I read more, then I became irritated at the end.  I haven’t responded to an article by writing back in a long time, but I just had to say something yesterday, even though I am over it now and you seem to possibly be interested in what I have to say.

What really bothered me were the examples that went beyond poking fun at Cincinnati and Kentuckians.  If the article had stopped with just those stereotypes, it would have been good fun because none of those groups are at a disadvantage and race doesn’t even come to mind.  It took on an ugly racial undertone when the stereotypes went into topics that stereotypes that are often associated with African Americans.  That’s went it crossed the line.

I have worked downtown next to Over The Rhine for years and lived in Covington.  I have never been a victim of crime or known anyone who has.  My greatest danger and fears were not the predominantly Black neighborhood, gangs of predominantly Black men and boys.  What scares me are the aggressive drivers in expensive cars that occasionally run over people, and I have had many close calls.

I have come to be friends with many non-Whites at work and through volunteer work in Over The Rhine.  None of them ever fit any stereotypes.  Racial stereotypes are not the real truth and are always a part of the problem, and to always be avoided as a matter of social appropriateness at a minimum, and better yet, out of heart felt empathy with what minorities go through by being stereotyped and deciding to not go there, and better yet, try to bust stereotypes so they some day fade away.

This article was also offensive because Cincinnati is still trying to heal from racial problems.  Many companies like mine are trying very hard to educate their employees about appreciating people for who they are, not making any negative assumptions based on the color of their skin, neighborhood they live in, sports they like, or any other racially tinged stereotypes, so we can all work together more effectively.

This article went beyond entertainment and moved into a negative portrayal of Blacks and reflects negatively on the team and school. by having done so.

It’s always better to write what you know about and avoid subjects that directly or indirectly can be associated with negative racial stereotypes.  If you think I am being overly sensitive, ask yourself, would a Black man have written this same story for wide publication?

I came from a small town and moved to Cincinnati with fears, preconceived ideas, all of which proved to be unfounded.  So I really enjoyed the satire (of my younger self and others in KY) with fears and stereotypes about big cities.  I love satire and enjoyed the article until things in it led me to go…hmmm…then I felt uncomfortable as I read more, then I became irritated at the end.  I haven’t responded to an article by writing back in a long time, but I just had to say something yesterday, even though I am over it now and you seem to possibly be interested in what I have to say.

What really bothered me were the examples that went beyond poking fun at Cincinnati and Kentuckians.  If the article had stopped with just those stereotypes, it would have been good fun because none of those groups are at a disadvantage and race doesn’t even come to mind.  It took on an ugly racial undertone when the stereotypes went into topics that stereotypes that are often associated with African Americans.  That’s went it crossed the line.

I have worked downtown next to Over The Rhine for years and lived in Covington.  I have never been a victim of crime or known anyone who has.  My greatest danger and fears were not the predominantly Black neighborhood, gangs of predominantly Black men and boys.  What scares me are the aggressive drivers in expensive cars that occasionally run over people, and I have had many close calls.

I have come to be friends with many non-Whites at work and through volunteer work in Over The Rhine.  None of them ever fit any stereotypes.  Racial stereotypes are not the real truth and are always a part of the problem, and to always be avoided as a matter of social appropriateness at a minimum, and better yet, out of heart felt empathy with what minorities go through by being stereotyped and deciding to not go there, and better yet, try to bust stereotypes so they some day fade away.

This article was also offensive because Cincinnati is still trying to heal from racial problems.  Many companies like mine are trying very hard to educate their employees about appreciating people for who they are, not making any negative assumptions based on the color of their skin, neighborhood they live in, sports they like, or any other racially tinged stereotypes, so we can all work together more effectively.

This article went beyond entertainment and moved into a negative portrayal of Blacks and reflects negatively on the team and school. by having done so.

It’s always better to write what you know about and avoid subjects that directly or indirectly can be associated with negative racial stereotypes.  If you think I am being overly sensitive, ask yourself, would a Black man have written this same story for wide publication?

-”John from Cincinnati”

This is our response:

So far this article has been read by people from 28 states (and Canada) and out of everyone, the only people who’ve found a problem with race are those from in and around Cincinnati.

No one else has raised an issue from examples of riot zones, midnight basketball and MMA tournaments, soaking down streets for fear or explosives, a blood stained river, burning tires mounds, checkpoints, Mid-American river piracy, automatic rock-salt cannons, and violence in general as being strictly hurtful African-American issues and by extension, stereotypes.

We’re assuming that most readers took what you see as inferences to ugly racial stereotypes for what they were written as, hyperbolic indicators of a “Fabled Post-Apocalyptic Deathtown” just title states. I’ll admit that we weren’t careful in avoiding racial stereotypes, but this was only because thoughts of them never crossed our minds as we were writing this this article.

For example, if allusions similar to the following scenarios were made, then we would’ve had some ugly, ignorant, and plainly dumb racial stereotypes:

• Fans fearing not being able to “outrun” bandits, alluding to African-Americans being faster runners.
• Fans fearing becoming lost in a contemporaneous Downtown Soul Food Festival.
• Fans fearing getting caught in the cross-fire of a Gangsta Rap Feud.
• Fans fearing they won’t be able to hear a free open air movie in Fountain Square because too many people will be talking.

But nothing close to those examples were written.

Instead, we took the plain sentiment of some Kentuckians being overly afraid of the state of crime and violence in Cincinnati. Then, we extrapolated this sentiment to ridiculous extents to show the problem it would create for UK and the ridiculous extents the Athletics Department would go to solve it.

There is an important subtlety in the article to note which you and others may not glossed over. The precautions and assurances of relative safety are one-sided from the University of Kentucky and the anecdotes of mythical violence are one-sided. They only come from Kentucky’s media outlets and word-of-mouth of its citizenry.

As a satirical entity, the voice of Wildcat Today is that of an embedded newsroom in the heart of UK Athletics. For this reason it is no more worldly than any of the also satirically absurd and imagined fans it for whom it sympathizes and reports. Therefore, whatever is reported as “fact” by Wildcat Today would always be taken with a fake grain of salt by any fake level-headed, fake citizen, in the fake universe of this fake publication.

From the tone of the articles, readers knowledgeable of “homerism” in sports reporting, especially on the Internet, can infer that Wildcat Today’s reporting from this skewed view of its subject matter the base layer of satire from which its absurd news is reported.

I will now explain the humor of the article to illustrate what those of us, whom found the article to be funniest, read between the lines.

No person “in the know” of the realties of Cincinnati ever alludes to or acknowledges the concerns of the Kentuckians, because they don’t know they exist as they have never actually been contacted by the University about them.

The UK officials are “in the know” but find themselves still having to give lip service to its fans by providing fake press releases, laying out the pageantry of crime projections which were never actually made, and providing fake PDF maps to demarcate fan friendly “Safe Zones” which would only exist in the minds of the fans who believed they were actually enacted.

I doubt that you missed this subtlety, but I wanted to point out that it is the notes which are intentionally not being played that allow those wholly familiar with the context UK Athletics to fill in the blanks.  To us, the heart of the article is actually the tribulations our UK Athletic Department official must face while dealing with the sentiments of some of our less enlightened but wholly crazed fanbase.

This article is not simply an irony piece of neighbors mutually misunderstanding each other. That is just a simple framework on which we’ve hung the story. Hopefully those who miss out on the juiciest humor, which is intended for those of us with the largest context relating to its intent, can still appreciate it for its grandiose absurdity.

It is a shame that your context has seemingly brought out racist stereotypes to the forefront instead.

At this point, one may find satisfaction in our explanation of the joke as proof that it is not funny. But we can assure that we only explained the joke as a courtesy to those who do not have our context to catch a glimpse of all the levels of humor we found in it. And it is very funny.

Our inspiration came from the Mad Max, Waterworld, the Iraq War, and articles about the Pope’s visits to third world countries and other post apocalyptic worlds of pop culture.

Nothing was inspired by the actual state of affairs in Cincinnati. The entire point of the article is to lampoon a delusional perception and its consequences, not to comment on crime (and obviously not race relations) in Cincinnati. To that end, taking cues from any actual events in Cincinnati would give credence to the perception, thereby making it less delusional and diluting the entire premise of the article.

It is surely a tragic bellwether for Cincinnati if even those of white majority, in 2009, whom are genuinely sympathetic of and presumably well educated on the issues and disadvantages facing minorities, cannot read a story involving these ridiculous super-crime scenarios without immediately associating the whole of them with the African-American community in their city.

As I read your baseless, gravely uninformed assumption and requisite suggestion that I get out of my “whitebread” world aloud this morning, my African-American roommate, whom helped brainstorm and edit this article, and I couldn’t help but laugh in our apartment, in the middle of one of the most diverse cities in the world, New York City, Whitebread USA.

In turn, we would like to kindly suggest that maybe it is you who is in dire need of picking up some experience outside of what you view as Cincinnati, its plights, and its surrounding “whitebread” enclaves. Otherwise you may seem foolish, ignorant, and myopically odd in regards to modern race relations to those you may encounter in the world outside of Cincinnati.

It would do a great service to yourself and your civic duty to cleanse your palette of these immediate ugly associations you now instinctively make. The basal mention of crime and violence in your city should not immediately make you think of African-Americans as it so clearly does now.

And finally, as my roommate pointed out, there is no way you should have ever associated nautical piracy with African-Americans, as everyone knows they cannot swim.

God Save Cincinnati.

August 13, Louisville – UofL basketball coach Rick Pitino is fending off a media firestorm and most of the public is caught up in the he said, she said of his Italian Sextaurant Scandal.  Fortunately, one supremely dedicated Cardinal fan has risen above the din of morality questions and titillating details and to ask what no one else has.

“Why is Karen Sypher airing her dirty laundry?”

The morning after the scandal broke, local real estate agent and Louisville alum Paul Keegan found himself agonizing over the reported facts until he couldn’t think straight.  “The more I thought about it, the less it made sense,” Mr. Keegan said.

“I struggled with all those details, police reports, and menstrual time lines just swirling in my mind for hours until I had the epiphany.”

Mr. Keegan explained that, “Deep, deep down, like every Louisville fan,” he “already knew the root” of all of his alma mater’s problems.  But the media’s “highly orchestrated coverage” had once again clouded his judgment just as it had done for the rest of his similarly duped Cardinal brethren.

“It was the wealthy Kentucky backers,” he said while adding “A-gain!” and whistling in frustration.

“The thing of it was, I didn’t piece it together until I saw this big blue [expletive]wad wave to me with that [expletive]-eating grin on his face at lunch.  I knew he was just a typical UK fan the moment I was saw he his blue shirt on “Red-Out for Rick Day.”

“I thought, ‘On a day like this? What an [expletive].’ And then it clicked.”

“Think about it.  She was just looking for a payday this whole time.  First from Rick for the baby, but then baby’s gone and the payday’s gone.  Then with the blackmail, but then Pitino puts on the full FBI press and that’s gone.

“She was up against it at the end, so she went to those wealthy UK backers who gladly paid untold coal and horse fortunes to try and bring our program down,” Mr. Keegan said.  “It’s so simple,” he blankly intoned, “they do this [expletive] all the freakin’ time.”

After meticulously typing and revising his theory on his Blackberry, Mr. Keegan posted it on every message board and social network he could find.

“I felt I needed to spread the word as soon as possible to get us all away from these crazy discussions and back to the big picture,” he said.

“Once I got it out there, everyone was really psyched that we could once again focus on hating our enemy at the root of it all,” he continued. “And not having to bother ourselves with these lame-ass tabloid articles and deeply personal moral dilemmas was a huge relief for everyone.”

And today in Louisville, where yesterday’s sports talk callers were placing their rosaries in other rooms to get through supportive Pitino pleas, the ship has been righted.

A lone fan inspired by his rivalry rage and search for the truth has returned a fan base its sanity and countless news departments their real assignments.

“Thanks to Mr. Keegan, at this point it’s a completely dead, non-story for us and we won’t be bringing it up anymore,” said one local sportswriter and by extension, one evil, manipulative Big East Athletic Director.

“I can’t wait for that game in Rupp though.  It should be fun,” he continued “I’ll be doing a signing for a book I’ve written with Rick at Joseph Beth.  I love that place.”

Although some Kentuckians feel almost comfortable driving through Cincinnati, insulated by the relative safety of the city’s three elevated interstates, most would never dare to travel under 60 MPH, let alone stop and walk around within a Glock’s range of downtown.

But Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart’s controversial scheduling of a football game in battle worn Cincinnati is forcing the rabid fan base to do just that.

Tens of thousands of the Big Blue Nation are expected to be descending upon the Queen City, where school officials assure many precautions will be made to keep the innocent out of lethal danger.  Among the joint efforts made by the University and the City, is the classification and cordoning off several, more fan-friendly riot zones.

In addition to these “Hot Zones” the usually rubble-strewn downtown should be noticeably void of its infamous mix of murderers, arms dealers, and gangs of roving bandits. University officials are claiming that The Local Visitors and Convention Bureau has graciously made deals with most of them to partake in a Midnight Basketball and MMA tournament in nearby Hamilton that night.  Also, what’s left of the City’s Fire Department is set to soak the entire 10 block area of the temporary Stadium Cease Fire for 48 hours prior to kickoff in hopes to limit any spark-up caused by any stray explosives.

While ticket sales are suffering from fans whom are refusing to buy seats prior to their concealed weapon permits being approved, the Athletic Department maintains their projections are showing that less than four percent of fans will actually be involved in shootouts.  Of these “active fire fans,” officials are estimating only twenty percent would be able to return effective rounds before the university’s rifle team has everything under control.

“The fans will not be in any lethal danger as long as they stay south of the Second Street checkpoints and west of Elm, “ said Barnhart. “Otherwise the burning tire mounds and blood stained river should serve as a adequate boundaries to the west and south of the Stadium Cease Fire.”

Though most Wildcat fans fully intend on heeding the advice of University and City officials by remaining within the stadium’s cease fire limits, others don’t see what the big deal is. One brave group of UK Students at the Johnson Center, who agreed to speak to us under the condition we not print their names lest their loved ones find out, are planning to take full advantage of their rare visit  North of the Ohio.

“Well, I love my BBQ  and I’ve always wanted to try the Montgomery Inn Boathouse up there.  But every time I’ve got up the gumption, I hear another one of those horror stories about the amphibious route to get into that place.  I caught that WKYT story on those rental boats and the nightmare scenario of missing that “Safe Dock” tunnel entry.  With those ‘O-T-R Pirates’ just waiting to kill you dead on the river, I thought there was no way I’d ever get those ribs.”

“But now, with all these preparations by the city this time -shit.  We’ve looked over the Montgomery Inn’s western ground route pretty good and think we may have to pick up the pace through the Serpentine Corridor “Hot Zone” for the final two klicks, but other than that, we should be fine.  Those PDF event maps on the “Rumble At The River” website have been really helpful.

“Plus man,” the freshman added, “it may be an issue for the blue-hairs [Ed note: a regional colloquialism for eldery UK fans), but we’ll be so tanked by then we probably won’t even feel any rock salt buckshot raining down from the Sawyer Point “Hot Zone” cannons they’re warning everyone about.  Chem-E majors get way drunker than  all the other Engineering Majors combined, no doubt.”

Billboards, have been popping up around town in anticipation for the event.  The billboards, funded by the Cincinnatus Society, depict several Newport and Covington nightlife destinations with the words “After the Big Game, Be Sure Go Back To Celebrate in the Bluegrass Immediately!”  Much like the controversy steeped upon Mitch Barnhart for his decision, Cincinnatus Society Chair, Tom Schultz, has received his fare share of hate mail as well.

“Everyone thinks we’ll be losing out on a lot of money from those signs in the end, and frankly I’m a tad nervous myself.  But with any luck, there will be a few literate Kentucky fans that can relay the message to the rest of them before they can wake up with a bourbon hangover abandoned somewhere in Norwood and try to find manufacturing jobs or get on welfare. We calculate that the billboards will pay for themselves if we can keep the post-game refugee influx under 2% of the games anticipated attendance.”